I don’t really know how it happened, but I always end up reviewing the horniest video games. Now I have nothing against games with sexual themes, but as a proud asexual I’m not really the target audience for all the curves and flesh. If I had to guess I’d say this is all some sick joke being played by our Editor-in-Chief, although I must admit I’m not always upset about playing the horny games. In fact some of them are rather fantastic, like the survival horror acid trip that is Sorry We’re Closed.
The star of this sexy show is Michelle, a cashier who has never been the same since her girlfriend left her. After another boring day at work Michelle chats to her friends, and deals with the latest drama on the street. Everything seems totally normal, until she goes to bed. There she is woken by The Duchess, a shocking pink lingerie demon who is the villain of the piece. The Duchess curses her victims in an attempt to force them to love her, and forces them into a bizarre other world full of monsters and neon colours.
This other world is completely wild, as you’ll discover rather quickly. Upon first entering you’re greeted by a giant blackbird who is also a librarian. It doesn’t take long for this bird to decide it wants to chomp down on our hero, and without a way to defend herself all she can do is run. Thankfully it turns out some of Michelle’s other friends have also been dragged into this dangerous world, and one of them lends a hand. With a few bizarre weapons and some knowledge of how to lift the curse your friend sets you off on a survival horror journey, which will occasionally take you back to your regular life.
Sorry We’re Closed is an old school survival horror game through and through, from the visuals right down to the camera angles. You’d better believe you’ll be walking from screen to screen and getting startled by monsters around blind corners, but at the very least you don’t have to worry about tank controls.
Each chapter of Sorry We’re Closed features a big area to explore, full of items to find that you’ll use to solve puzzles and other things you’ll need to survive. You’ll need to scour each area thoroughly to make it past various locked doors and computers in need of passwords, while always ensuring you have the ammo and healing items to stay alive. It’s everything you loved about survival horror when Resident Evil first came on the scene, but glowed up and sexed up for the modern age.
Now when I think of combat in these old school horror games, I think of deliberately clunky combat designed to add tension to the situation. Now although there’s a little bit of that in Sorry We’re Closed, fighting weird mutants is also rather nuanced. By hitting a shoulder button you’ll switch to a first person perspective, and can use your axe, pistol, and shotgun to take out the baddies. This seems simple enough, but your third eye adds an extra layer to the proceedings.
You can use Michelle’s third eye to see things for what they really are at any time, and it creates a little bubble of truth around her. It’s used to explore, reveal demons as people you know, and of course in combat. All of the monsters that attack you have hidden hearts you can see with your third eye, and hitting them builds a meter that charges a super attack as well as dealing massive damage. You can also stun foes by trapping them in your true sight bubble, which can be handy for avoiding that excess damage.
Using all your different combat abilities is key to survival, but without a bit of a buff Sorry We’re Closed will get way too tough. Thankfully in the hotel hub area you can trade artifacts you’ve gathered for currency, and increase things like the amount of healing items you can hold or the amount of damage a weapon does. There are also side quests you can complete for more currency, and more importantly to find out more about the fascinating and bizarre world of the game.
Now Sorry We’re Closed has been a great horror game since November last year on PC, but this is a review of the Switch version of the game. For the most part the Switch version of this horror throwback runs perfectly, and I was really impressed with the port. You will have to deal with some fairy chunky loading times to get to this smooth running experience, but it’s worth it to be able to play it while snuggled in bed.
Despite really enjoying Sorry We’re Closed, as I played further into the game I did get a little tired of its combat. In particular the issue is that when you switch your view it takes just a touch too long, and especially because you have to be so close to being in third eye range you’ll get hit so often when you do this. It’s almost ideal horror combat, but these clunky elements really add to the frustration.
Sorry We’re Closed is a weird and wonderful retro horror experience, with neon colours, sexy themes and a whole lot of unique characters to meet. There’s simply nothing quite like Sorry We’re Closed, and if you love that PS1 aesthetic it’s well worth picking up now it’s on consoles.